20 latest tweets
Playing* Words With Friends
(*Googling cheat sites)
I'd buy an album by The Mormon Tabernacle Choir if they had to ingest a helium balloon before every song.
Toddler wants to "make stuff." So I said, great! I'll take a hot dog.
Monkeying around* with the toddler.
(*throwing bananas into her glass enclosure)
Friend on the phone: "I can't find my googly eyes!" So I pretended to have a heart attack and hung up.
@Jesshazel holy crap, you just made me cry.
Newsletter: Month Ninety-Six http://t.co/NRWp5J83
Trying to explain why the 2-yr-old doesn't understand what it means to be grateful. Her older sister interrupts me: "So she's stupid."
If I were a righteous Mormon and got my own planet, the first thing I'd do is grant all my gay children the right to marry.
"You'll fake it if you have to" http://t.co/IBxpG7PS
"You need to stop doing that." - my therapist after every single word I say.
Drinking games would be much more fun if instead of "drinking" it was "tazing."
There are two dogs, two babies, and two gay men in my house right now. THIS is cute overload.
Fire and ice and buildings burning to the ground: http://t.co/VAcdSXXx
Take a kid who has just eaten a huge bowl of spaghetti. Spin her upside down. Free Valentine's Day confetti.
Ladies. Life has an honor code. Not flushing a public toilet is in direct violation of it.
I got to sleep in until 11 AM. Logical next step is to go outside and bench press my car.
A toddler trying to carry nine stuffed animals down a flight of stairs is so adorable right up until the concussion.
I was just trapped in a car with two whistlers. Turns out there is such a thing as justifiable manslaughter!
